The Art of Negotiation

3 Steps to Turn Conflict into Progress

Conflict feels uncomfortable. Most of us would rather avoid it, nod politely, and hope it disappears. But conflict isn’t the enemy. Poorly handled conflict is.

Dan Shapiro, a Harvard negotiator, breaks down the core of effective negotiation into three parts: identity, appreciation, and affiliation. But here’s the catch - these techniques only work if both parties actually want to solve the problem.

What if they don’t?

You’ve met them. The people who don’t want solutions. They want battles. Their identity is tied to the conflict itself.

• The teammate who debates code patterns more than coding.

• The PM who treats every minor bug as critical.

• The manager who thinks long hours = productivity.

Solving the problem means losing their purpose.

So, how do you negotiate with someone who thrives on the fight?

1. Understand Their Identity

Every argument isn’t about facts. It’s about what those facts mean to them. Their values, beliefs, and pride are on the line. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to agree with them. You just have to understand them.

Ask yourself: What does this conflict protect for them?

Pride? Control? A sense of importance?

Understanding this shifts the argument from "proving them wrong" to "seeing what they’re holding onto."

2. Give What They Refuse to Offer: Appreciation

Toxic people rarely offer appreciation. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.

When you genuinely acknowledge someone’s perspective, it disarms them. It doesn’t mean you’re surrendering. It means you’re steering the conversation out of the emotional trenches.

Try: “I see why you feel that way. It makes sense from your perspective.”

You’re not agreeing. You’re validating that their feelings exist, which is often enough to defuse their defensiveness.

3. Change the Game: From Adversary to Partner

Conflict feels like a tug-of-war. But what if you dropped the rope?

Instead of me vs. you, reframe it: "Us vs. the problem."

Ask: “What do you think we could do to make this better for both of us?”

If they resist, that’s your answer. They don’t want a resolution. They want to keep fighting.

And that’s when you stop negotiating.

You Can’t Wake Someone Pretending to Sleep

Some people aren’t looking for solutions. They’re looking for a stage. Their identity depends on the conflict itself. No amount of logic, clean code, or well-documented PRs will fix that.

When you recognize this, you free yourself from the trap. You don’t have to win the argument. You just have to stop playing their game.

The art of negotiation isn’t about winning.

It’s about knowing when to engage - and when to walk away.